Integra's Birthday
by Nakimochiku
Summary: It's Integra's birthday. How does Alucard act on such an important day?
1. the gift

Integra's Birthday

I have no idea why I wrote this. Oh well! enjoy Alu-chan making a fool of himself. I have no idea when

integra's birthday is, but for now I put it in February. In another story you'll see when.

Alucard had no idea why he was doing this. Why was he doing this? struggling with wrapping paper and getting his hair stuck to tape? Bacause it was his master's birthday. Did humans have to waste they're time celebrating being a year older. Not that Master wanted to be reminded she was now 32. The hard part was getting to Integra to believe his foolish story and give him money.

FLASHBACK

"Why the hell would you want money?" Integra asked seeming more than slightly annoyed.

"Um..." Alucard's mind went crazy trying to find a suitable story that his master wouldn't be suspicious of. " I'm going to buy christmas gifts..." God, that sounded so stupid!

"Alucard... Christmas is 10 months away..." Integra's frown made it obvious she didn't believe him.

"I'm... going early christmas shopping. To avoid the mobs Police Girl always tells me about." Quick thinking! Alucard said to himself silently, happy he could come up with something relatively believable on such short notice.

"As long as you're not going to buy yourself another gun, fine." just like that Integra handed him 10 000 cash.

"Thank you!" with that Alucard had disappeared in the shadows. Leaving the manor for downtown London.

END FLASHBACK

Alucard sighed. This was getting no where and the gift looked terrible. He looked even worse. Covered in tape and wrapped in decorative paper. Ribbon hung in a tangled mess a top of his head.

" I hate wrapping paper and it hates me!" Alucard shouted to no one in particular. The wrapping paper responded by refusing to de-tangle itself from his hand. "Damn you!" while shaking the stupid excuse for something pretty off of himself Alucard thought about the gift.

FLASHBACK

Alucard walked into a store that was obviously for women called La Senza. A few women with children shot him dirty looks.

"Hello, may I help you?" a male employee said a little too sweetly.

"Um.. yeah. I'm looking for a birthday gift."

"Oooh! Then let me take you over here." the man guided him to a counter covered in panties and bras. 'God... Help me'alucard silently pra " how about this?" he held up a thong and bra set. If Alucard could he probably would have blushed furiously.

"No! My relationship with her isn't like that."

"Than would you like to go with something less upbeat?"

" no but thanks for your help." Alucard ran ( almost) out of the shop.

'Now what?' he thought 'candy! Girls like that stuff right?' Walking across the street Alcucard entered a store call Laura Secord . Looking at all the valentine's gift baskets made Poor alucard feel as if the idea in his head was pathetic. When did his self esteem get so low ?! Alucard bought a whole bunch of white chocolate and maple sugar candies. Integra was always going on about real canadian maple syrup. 'I can't just buy candy! I have to buy something else!'

END FLASH BACK

"Police Girl!" Alucard said in his mind.

"Yes, master?" she answered

"I need help!" In a few seconds Seras Victoria was at his door.

"What is it master? I hope you know I have a life."

"Help!" he cried almost pathetically

"Why...?"

"Don't ask."

"What did you get her?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Seras quickly read his thoughts. "You bought her...?!" before Alucard could say anything she burst out laughing. "You are sly! You know that?"

"No. But thanks for helping me with this god damn paper!" Alucard yelled sarcastically.

"Fine, fine." Seras helped him untangle the paper.

"Show me your gift then I'll know how to decorate mine." Alucard said. Seras pulled out a box from who knows where. It was perfectly wrapped in blue, green and brown striped paper, a cream coloered ribbon was tied and curled expertly around the box. Alucard looked down at the mess he was trying to call a gift.

'there goes my self esteem again' he thought.

"Want me to hepl you master?"

"No, I want you to rip up the gift, of cousre I want you to help me!"

"Why are you so mean?" Seras mumbled. But she took off the previous wrapping paper. Covering it with blue and green polka-dots on a white background. Then she put brown ribbon around it.

"Thank you." Alucard bit out as seras handed him the box.

It was at this moment that Walter came. "The setting up for the party is complete. I just sent someone out to pick Sir Integra up from her day at the spa..We have to go get ready."

"You sent Integra to a Spa?" Alucard asked, wondering how Walter had gotten Integra to agree to that.

"Yes... and she was kicking and screaming all the way into the limo. She... Even bit me." Seras was biting her lip, restraining herself from laughing. Today was just too funny!

"Alright then. Let's go get ready" Seras said after she fought back her giggles.


	2. the party

Integra's birthday 2

ch 2 The party

"They sent me to a spa..." Integra was whispering to herself. Repeating this one little fact over and over again. Walter knew of her extreme hate (but we'll call it fear) of any type of spa. She didn't even like hot springs! She avoided any thing that promised relaxation, comfort and smooth skin. Walter could have sent her to a book store but NO! It had to be a spa!

FLASH BACK

"Okay miss Hellsing, just remove your clothes and we can begin" a male said. The only comfort Integra had in that was he was obviously gay.

'I don't want to be here!' Integra cried inside her mind, trying not to enjoy the massage being given to her. When that was over Integra was taken to a mud bath. ' well this isn't so bad... it's just dirt. Nothing that makes you any healthier...' beside her two other women were talking with each other.

"I heard mud is very good for your skin in a magazine once."

"Yeah so did I..."

"NO!!!" integra screamed. Just when she was starting to relax!

The women gave her odd looks but continued talking. "In another magazine it said fish contained omega 3 which gives your skin a healthy glow..." integra would now never eat fish again. She curled into the foetal position. " and milk too. I think it's because of the calcium..."

'There goes milk too' Integra thought.

END FLASH BACK

"Miss Hellsing?" her limo driver asked.

"Yes what is it?" integra was trying her hardest not to look as scared as she felt.

"We're almost back." Integra nodded.

XxXxX

"Wow..." Alucard said with mild amusement. He was trying to act normal (if you could call it that...) But Police Girl's sly winks in his direction was making that impossible. You'd be freaked out too, if your fledgling kept threatening to tell everyone that you had a crush on your master.

Every one and every thing was dressed up for the occasion. Seras had even forced Walter and Alucard into different out fits. Seras was wearing a tight red... tube with detached sleeves. Her outfit was very short and tight. And here she was complaining everyone kept hitting on her like she was a slut! Walter was wearing a pair of jeans and a shirt that said ' if it's too loud, you're too old' funny Alucard thought. While Walter was wearing somthing casual Seras decided to dress Alucard up like he was her doll. He was waering leather pants, a white t-shirt and a long leather jacket. As much as Alucard hated to admit it but... he looked really cool.

The dining room was dressed up very well. With blue, green, brown and white ballons. Cream colored streamers were every where and the tables center peice was british cottage styled ( as Police Girl put it). Police Girl said something about seeing it in a wedding magazine (" why the hell are you reading wedding magazines?" Alucard had scoffed.) The flowers any way were lilacs and lavenders, light purple hues.

"You got to admit, Seras is quite the decorating queen. So much so, that it's kinda creepy" Walter said coming up behind Alucard. "And she's pretty good at fashion."

"If you call dressing like a slut fashion." Alucard muttered.

"Hey!" Seras said. Aparently she had been eavesdropping on their conversation the whole time/

"She's coming!" shouted Walter. Who had left the vampires to check out side the window.

"Alright then eveyone in their positions!" Alucard ordered. He turned off the lights and they waited.

XxXxX

Integra entered her house, looking around the entrance hall, Walter was normally there to great her, and if not Walter somebody else. Today there was no one. It was amazingly silent... too silent. What was Alucard plotting now?

Integra went into the dungeons. She couldn't find Seras or Alucard. She went to her office. Walter wasn't there either. Hell the entire house was empty! And she had checked everywhere...

Well not _everywhere_ . Integra snuck up to the door of the dining room hearing slight noises.

"Master! I told you not to start drinking!"

"Ha ha... I can do whatever I want!" came a drunken reply.

"Have a little responsibility, will you!"

"Damn responsibility! Damn it to hell!"

Integra was outside the room, stifling laughter. She had no idea what they were donig in there but she wanted to find out. She entered and...

"SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!" Seras and Walter (along with everyone else who worked in the building) shouted. except for Alucard. He had passed out drunk on the floor.

"didn't i tell you guys not to give me a party?"

"is she here yet?" Alucard said as he woke up, then he spotted Integra. "oh... Surprise!" ' better late than never...' Integra thought. Alucard hoisted himself off the ground. "open your gifts! then we can have cake!!"

"alright then." Integra open Walter's girt first to find...

"Ooohhh!" Alucard said looking at the gun over her shoulder.

"This" Walter started " is the Sphinx, a rapid fire hand gun. FL17. silver bullets blessed by the pope and a number of attachments such as the long range rifle. (A/N i have no idea what i'm talking about...) custom made, just for you."

"Christmas!" Alucard shouted making people look at him funny. "Walter, get me one just like it!"

"Don't worry. i'll get you something bigger and better."

"YAY!!" Alucard shouted in joy. Seras shook her head, giving alucard a ' he's finally lost it' look.

"Open mine!" sras said, giving Integra her gift. Integra opened it to find.. nail polish and perfume and... lotion...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Get it away! take it away!" Integra screamed and she started sobbing uncontrollably.

"there there. she didn't mean it, it was a mistake." Walter said, patting Integra on the back.

"What did i do?" Seras asked. everyone ignored Alucard as he mumbled to himself about awesome guns.

"it's alright. we all made the mistake at one point. Integra is afraid of self care products."

"Don't make me use the lotion , Daddy! the lotion hates me!" Integra was curled into the foetal position beside Alucard, who snapped out of his own alcohol induced craziness to comfort his master.

"Stop being a sissy!"

"i am not a sissy!"

"there you go. back to normal."

"master's present next!"

"i swear Alucard , if you got me perfume i will shove a silver cross so far up yuor ass!"

"oh? sounds like fun."

"A-ha" Seras said out of no where. "so you are gay!" Alucard decided to ignore that comment as everyone started laughing.

Integra opened her third gift of the evening to find... "Maple Sugar! Maple sugar!" she squealed, dancing around. then she noticed the second part of the gift...

cliffhanger!!! stakes thrown at her i'm just joking! you don't have to get so violent...

Integra pulled out the panty and bra set metioned in chapter one. it was frilly and pink. "you got the cup size wrong" she said, even if her face screamed ' what the fuck?!'. Meanwhile Seras was busy laughing her slutty dress off.

The end.

hugs Alu-chan plushie review please! should i add a bounus chapter? let me know!


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